Reasons to hate/love Transformers

Reasons to hate Transformers

  • I’m voluntarily forgetting Michael Bay.
  • depiction of Middle-East war camp as the perfect dream vacation – there’s even a big fat internet pipe for flawless videoconferencing.
  • over there, local kids are very happy to provide useful information about the land to the occupying military (how could they not – they are all so handsome and playful).
  • cheap imagery: happy baby.
  • nerdy schoolboy with superior mental abilities gets somewhat humiliated in front of the entire class, including The Hot Chick (who covertly disapproves, because she likes him, but just not out loud).
  • in order to get a good grade from his schoolteacher, nerdy schoolboy appeals to his “dream” (complete with sappy guitar music) – getting his first car. The teacher is convinced. I guess it makes sense if you think the goal of education is to produce smart consumers.
  • hippie-looking (bad hair, open shirt, beard), just-out-of-school students now want to work for The Man (i.e. the NSA); they can even recognize the secretary of defense.
  • the aforementioned secretary plays a sound that hacked in the military computer system. I just wrote this sentence, and it doesn’t make any sense to me either. What is this, the 70s?
  • cheap imagery: sad baby.
  • smart guys go after perfect bodies, because they better than anyone else know that looks are everything. They even can pretend to have deep feelings while it’s actually all about hormones. Meet the post-modern “good guy” – worse than the jock!
  • meanwhile, in the pentagon, generals and signal processing experts all happily work in a big open space area. “This is way too smart for Iranian scientists”: condescending is always funny, but this smells too much like fear to me.
  • product placement: military types get HP, scientists get 30” Apple cinema displays. I wish.
  • signal processing expert steals data out of the pentagon, military finds her in 15 minutes using Star Trek technology.
  • humans can outrun anything.
  • day turns into night at the most unexpected times.
  • “perhaps you should sit in my lap”.
  • cultural references include The 40 year-old virgin and Kill Bill.
  • cheap imagery: kid in bed waiting for the tooth fairy.
  • nothing like a little masturbation comedy.
  • the “autobots hiding from the parents in the front yard” scene lasts forever. It is not a good thing.
  • Bay almost manages to ruin John Turturro’s somewhat above-average acting.
  • All recent technological discoveries come from the study of Megatron by US scientists; because humans are just too dumb to think out things by themselves through collaboration.
  • “Can you hotwire this computer… to transmit a tone… through the radio ? – Let’s see… I need a screwdriver!” Comedy gold.
  • they’re not even trying to make us believe in the fake love-story between the Smart Guy and the Hot Chick – the two just get dragged from one place to the next together and end up kissing for no good reason.
  • cheap imagery: more babies, actual or implied.

Reasons to like Transformers

  • GIANT ROBOTS! WOOOOOHOO! The last half hour is pretty amazing (although neaseating).
  • In Air Force One, the tiny robot fucks the computer to inject a virus. Later, data transfer is assimilated to a sexual act. Smart social comment; it may even be on purpose.
  • Sound work is very creative.
  • I must admit the final monologue from Optimus Prime got me.
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2 Responses to Reasons to hate/love Transformers

  1. Jenny says:

    You probably don’t want to see Die Hard 4 then. A key plot element is programming people’s computers to explode.

  2. vnoel says:

    Actually, I rather enjoyed Die Hard 4🙂

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